Would appreciate your feedback

[beaufort]

Really interesting read, seemed fresh and heavy at once, in a very good way. Minor comments below.

Would appreciate feedback on this poem. Thanks.


Old Age

This day dwells in darkness, doubting itself,
And when night falls no one notices –
Not the black dog sleeping in the alley,
His twitching feet running in his dreams;
Not the languid lovers behind striped curtains,
Mistaking the other’s limbs for one’s own; "their own" would be grammatically correct here
Not even the bright-bloused lilies,
Their thin necks straining upward,
Like shorts-clad tourists in the town. I like shorts-clad a lot, until I read it aloud, and then it becomes a bit clunky.


This day, weary of countless demands,
Full of encumbrances,
Has worn you to the edge of life. love that image
While no one was watching you dwindled away. comma after watching
Your languor, listless like the days,
Your curtained eyes unfocused.
Like the evening dreading the sunset
You linger and gasp,
Bending down towards the night of mourning need a full stop

Lovely. Thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

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Thanks for the feedback - I appreciate it and will keep working!