Aranea

[jdeirmend]

Yes, yes! I concur with Graystar 100%. There are a few images in this that are so very pregnant. I think the trick for this poem will be to try and tap into these, and use what is evoked to replace a lot of the abstraction and filler. We want to see a revision, so don't keep us waiting too long.

Hi Alatos,

James gave you many important and key suggestions in my opinion. I like the way your poem draws into the world of the spider. I am fond of spiders. I would like to see you develop the thoughts of the speaker in the poem so the reader realizes his page is no longer blank.

I truly hope you make revisions as I want to read them. You have captured my interest.

Thank you,
Graystar

Aranea

As I sat on this bench,
grappling with my unruly thoughts
which distract from my blank page,

my eyes wandered from boundless skies,
distant mountains,
and perfect blooms

to the cobweb in the metal chains
supporting my own seat.
I could only see a few strands

of old and fragile silk,
beaten by the wind.
Then, I saw their maker hanging dead.

I looked more closely,
and suddenly much more appeared:
a thousand perfect, shining threads of slightest width,

expertly woven with cosmic orders
of rotations and eclipses,
revolving, and patterned on some unseen loom.

Every place it took root on the chain
was as roots of a tree, entangled,
or the fine veins in my own observing eye.

How sad it was that the artist lay dead.
I poked him with my pencil,
and quickly he crawled, alive,

up, and trembled: awake.


not too happy with this poem as far as execution goes, but I like the concept. I'm curious to hear interpretations and any advice. Thanks!