Poem Seeking Reader (Revision 2)

[milo]

Hey Todd. I remember this prompt, I also remember skipping it myself, so kudos to you for hitting it.

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes malaria,
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.

I like most of this right up until "and the stole fire of insight". First, it feels clumsily stated and of course, there is the abstraction. Whenever I read "of . . " preceding an abstraction, I just know it is going to be a poetic construct. i feel like this poem deserves something better. I have considered your line breaks through here carefully and, not to say that they are bad, but i feel like they could be better.

With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.

too wordy and you are losing your music here.

With me, you will understand why
a flower is lonely and you lie
restless beneath the moon.
I will not be your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
as you will in me.




or something like that. Anyway, thanks for posting, good luck with it.