The ballad of dancing Willy rabbit heart (true-enigma edit)

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='147130' dateline='1384349821']

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you. I really like the idea of the last two lines, but the last one ending with 'you' doesn't sit well with me (I know it doesn't sit well with me either I need to figure out a way to clean it up.)

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms, wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. I feel like the importance of this stanza is the last line, which shows Willy's both mental and economic state. That being true (if it is), the line before it needs to change somehow to lead into that. That being said, I like the phrase 'wobble those legs'. It enforces the idea that Willy just isn't really all there, as 'wobbling legs' is a really odd image

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched, What is wretched? (:deeply afflicted, dejected, or distressed in body or mind)
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you. Same as before about this line. Something about the 'except you' doesn't sit well with me (check affirmative)

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest. You could probably do without this stanza, as it just restates everything, and the last stanza is just fine as a closer (i'll consider this but i think that i should manipulate the verses to keep to the pattern of the poem)


Now, here's my suggestions after reading the context. The poem is a bit dark (nothing wrong with that), as to me, it seems as if the speaker takes advantage of Willy, knowing full well of his disabilities, just for his own amusement. That works perfectly fine, if that's the voice you intended. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems based off the explanation, mainly with "However, a child...", that part of the poem's focus is also on the child's perspective. I don't get much of that when I read this. If that wasn't your intention, I think it would be a neat experiment (although it would require some overhaul) to add a few stanza's in about the child's perspective.

Overall, a good poem, definitely somber, so you set that mood right. Good luck mate!

Hey Viktor,
Thanks for your suggestions. As for the speakers voice I know it sounds sadistic but I tried to be honest with it and tell his story the way it was and by the end i tried to repent for something that cannot be changed. The Poem is not about the child's perspective but me reliving something that i regret and rubbing my nose in it.
cheers,
Chazz