The Cremater

[justcloudy]

Hey t,

This is a very descriptive and interesting piece of work. It took me a few reads to really "get it" but at the same time it wasn't too heavy. At first I agreed the title needs to go, but I've warmed up to it. But careful, the spelling is "Cremator".

A few comments below:

The Cremater

With a wisp I peel a paper from ever well prepared packet. I don't like this as a first line. The "p"s aren't working for me and it's too wordy.
Slip the small cotton safety cylinder from its sleeve Hehe.
and slide it, between forefinger and thumb,
Where already nestled is a stiff pinch of Sky Blue Drum. Don't need a capital here. Sky Blue Drum makes me think of the American Southwest which is a nice scene setter, but you need to make it explicit that they're cigs otherwise the reader won't get it.
Two, perhaps three rolls, a quick fold, a swift flick
and a right to left lick seals the gum on this deadly little jacket. Great stuff.

Ch-ch, ch-clip I see what you're going for, but that's not the noise my lighters make... try again maybe?
goes my lighter, blue and amber igniter, cancer's inciter. This line feels cheap... =/
Slowly I inhale. Dry tobacco crackles in the heat, This is a bit obvious compared to the beginning.
And cackles at his relaxing deceit. No capital. Not digging the rhyme, again feels cheap.
Ghostly tendrils swirl and entwine my mind with such calming confusion
That I notice not his deathly intrusions. Rhymes still aren't working. Either pick a rhyme scheme and stick with it, or stay away.
Blindly I suck another burning breath of bronchial bad luck. I agree with Polar Bear, bad luck isn't the right idea here.
Blood vessels swell. Circulation slows. Maybe commas?
He feathers numbness into my toes and I blame the weather as they grow colder.
The wretched reek of his grey ashen wreath wrapped about my shoulders
Signals to all but I that I am getting older. Rapidly. No capital, and this is ok but again wordy. See how you can condense it a bit.

I've not yet stubbed by time he embeds the macabre dread; Meh.
That by his wicked wish I am already dead. Capital, rhyme.
In the grasp of his fetid mist I will gasp
and suffocate beneath his weight,
And curse with a despairing final wheeze from decrepit lungs Captial.
The habit that began with such ease when I was so young. Captial.

So I ask myself,
"If that's what's to come,
What's the damn harm in having another one?" This is the only rhyme that I think works, though the rhythm could be improved upon imo.
And that thought, right there, that casual swear,

That's when he won. Love the ending. But no capital.

_____

FYI,
The Sky Blue Drum referred to in line 4 is a brand of tobacco. I'm unsure if this is well known enough to work, or if the overall image is sufficient for the conclusion to be drawn?

Also very unsatisfied with the title.

Any suggestions/feedback much appreciated.

Thanks a lot,

Anyway lots of good stuff, so what isn't great sticks out. In your revision I'd suggest cutting down a bit. Trimming will help in this case. Good beginning!

-justcloudy