The ballad of dancing Willy rabbit heart (true-enigma edit)

[tectak]

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart ( complete overhaul As per Tektak's critique.)

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-[The hell with it. Keep the dash. It flies[/b]
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart. Yes. Your MEMORY. Now I see it through your eyes. VG

With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees- Question mark here, really
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, tripping on the "a". Omit?
we'd dance you to your knees.

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field, ...potter's
a man that god ignored. If you don't feel inclined to capitalise god, and why should you, try "a man that his god ignored"

And of all my childhood memories,[b] work on removing the "and". it is a weak opener.
some bittersweet some tart- Suggestion only. " some bitter, some sweet, some tart". Your poem.
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart (Chris/ chazz edit.)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy - except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

Dance Willy dance,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
I gave you a penny now, dance, dance, dance.

That's it Willy,
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy - except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
eyes covered with pennies,

now rest Willy rest.

--------------------------------
(original)

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. ( edit BY vicktor)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest.

Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixture in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz
[/size]

Bloody wonderful edit! Now you can say that I would say that, wouldn't I, but no...this is YOUR poem and it is excellent. You have now put yourself (or your narrator) in to the poem so that the reader can SEE what you see. This is what makes poetry so damned wonderful! I applaud you for being bold enough to take this on....but you did have a whole smorgasbord of emotional canapes to go at. Because of the conceptual improvement you can easily get away with missed and off-rhymes. I say this often but it falls on deaf or directional ears...write good poetry and you can be BAD! It just does not matter if a rhyme fails, flounders or fucks off. It does not matter if there is a deliciously tripping meter...it makes the piece alive. Yes to this. You may want to play with it...it's yours. I have nothing to add.
Well done.
Best,
tectak