The ballad of dancing Willy rabbit heart (true-enigma edit)

[Truerenigma]

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart ( complete overhaul As per Tektak's critique.)

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar,
we'd dance you to your knees. I just don't want this to be overlooked. It says: With skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, we'd dance you to your knees. Syntax error: the preceding descriptive noun series applies to the "we", instead of Willy.

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.

And of all my childhood memories,
some bittersweet some tart-
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.



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The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart (Chris/ chazz edit.)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy - except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

Dance Willy dance,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
I gave you a penny now, dance, dance, dance.

That's it Willy,
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy - except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
eyes covered with pennies,

now rest Willy rest.

--------------------------------
(original)

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. ( edit BY vicktor)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest.

Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixture in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz
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The edit is miles ahead of the previous. A great improvement; you've found your form, now you just need to pursue it a little further. I'm excited about this one.


See if you can hammer the lines down a bit more, and possibly get rid of some of the rhyme-driven inversions. You need a comma or perhaps "and" after bittersweet, unless you go with Tom Tectak's suggestion, the line really trips up the tongue in its current state.