11-21-2013, 01:14 PM
The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart ( complete overhaul As per Tektak's critique.)
I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.
What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.
With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.
Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, [b]i understand the error now that you pointed it out i will reconcile it in the next edit.
we'd dance you to your knees.------ I just don't want this to be overlooked. It says: With skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, we'd dance you to your knees. Syntax error: the preceding descriptive noun series applies to the "we", instead of Willy.-----
What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.
And of all my childhood memories, (this is probably going to be sins
some bittersweet some tart- this line is pretty flimsy i will sure it up in the edit.
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.
The edit is miles ahead of the previous. A great improvement; you've found your form, now you just need to pursue it a little further. I'm excited about this one.
See if you can hammer the lines down a bit more, and possibly get rid of some of the rhyme-driven inversions. You need a comma or perhaps "and" after bittersweet, unless you go with Tom Tectak's suggestion, the line really trips up the tongue in its current state.
[/quote]
Hey True,
Thanks for your help. Can you elaborate on rhyme-driven inversions? , and bold out what you believe are weak links.
much appreciated
Chazz
I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.
What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.
With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.
Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, [b]i understand the error now that you pointed it out i will reconcile it in the next edit.
we'd dance you to your knees.------ I just don't want this to be overlooked. It says: With skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, we'd dance you to your knees. Syntax error: the preceding descriptive noun series applies to the "we", instead of Willy.-----
What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.
And of all my childhood memories, (this is probably going to be sins
some bittersweet some tart- this line is pretty flimsy i will sure it up in the edit.
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.
The edit is miles ahead of the previous. A great improvement; you've found your form, now you just need to pursue it a little further. I'm excited about this one.
See if you can hammer the lines down a bit more, and possibly get rid of some of the rhyme-driven inversions. You need a comma or perhaps "and" after bittersweet, unless you go with Tom Tectak's suggestion, the line really trips up the tongue in its current state.
[/quote]
Hey True,
Thanks for your help. Can you elaborate on rhyme-driven inversions? , and bold out what you believe are weak links.
much appreciated
Chazz