11-24-2013, 01:49 AM
Hi Chazz,
Sorry I'm late getting this posted. I was having some technical difficulties (I had to get a new computer), and didn't want to have to do it on my phone.
S1 one has a nice rhythm, and a musical quality about it—a good blend of iambs and anapests, alternating between four and three beat lines—a good choice for a poem with 'ballad' in the title.
The only trouble I see here is the second clause in L3:
It is unclear (to me) whether you meant that he would be the only child to survive, or just that the only thing he would survive, or go on, to do is dance for pennies. Also, the location is unclear; I'm uncertain, and a bit incredulous regarding these cages unless maybe we're talking about a hospital and this is a metaphor, or metonym, but the rest of it is in a park, and it is hard to picture a hospital "in the pines". If Willowbrook pines is just a name for the locale, or a township, etc., and does not literally mean "pines" (which are pretty easy to imagine being in a park, but the cages aren't), shouldn't "pines" then also be capitalized?
~
You could perhaps open with this stanza; it provides a name for all the pronoun "he's", and the current opening stanza could provide an explanation for what was missed as a child i.e. the basic idea would be "as a child I missed this, but now i know of the place where he came from", which may be a more logical, linear train of thought for the reader to follow.
~
The improper English in L2 bothers me a bit: It should be " he was a good shucker and jiver", or "he could shuck and jive quite well". Also I don't think the the first comma in L3 is needed.
The lyrical rhythm, and imagery, is pretty strong; but again we don't really seem to be following a logical thought-stream—I don't see what yellow eyes and grey side chops have to do with his ability to shuck and jive.
~
I've already addressed my issue with this stanza (which may be a bit pedantic), and that was and still is the only problem I see here. The imagery is good, the rhythm is good ( except that I think "around" would work better that having L2 wholly iambic, and be stronger verbiage), and I really like "bee" simile.
I don't know about about L1 though, it seems to me that more could be said, rather than just repeating the name and chanting "Willy poor Willy" in nursery rhyme fashion.
~
The second part of this stanza comes across to me as almost non-sequitur—it may fixed with something as simple as stating "he is(or was) burlap sealed...", but I'm not sure, I struggle to connect it to the rest, the cages, or what led him to this etc.—to me it seems that the metaphors and symbolism (if that's what they are) aren't really held aloft by anything, they are just sort of thrown out there, but I could be missing something here.
~
The cadence is off in L2 two; do to the rhythmic expectations set by the previous stanzas, I want to read "bittersweet" as a dactyl, followed by a hard accent, or erSWEET followed by an anapest. As a result I find myself reading it: some BITTersweet SOME.. and tart comes almost as an afterthought, and just drops of the line, which feels too short. A comma after bittersweet may keep me from rushing through the word, and give a me a stronger accent on SWEET, with a cesura.
TBH I think I would go with Tom's Suggestion: some bitter, some sweet, some tart.
"And of all my childhood memories" sets up an expectation for a compare/contrast, or something like " of all of them... this is the most"..or.."this one stands out.." but we're not talking about the others, so why mention them?
As a whole, I like it. It is musical, and demonstrates a good ear for rhythm and cadence (for the most part). It is emotionally accessible, and the dancing Willy image is clear and easy to visualize.
Some of the clauses/lines/stanza seem strung together though, without a whole lot of thought aside from fitting the rhyme, rhythm, and cadence of the stanza form, and I think there's some room here for improvement.
Sorry I'm late getting this posted. I was having some technical difficulties (I had to get a new computer), and didn't want to have to do it on my phone.
Quote:I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.
S1 one has a nice rhythm, and a musical quality about it—a good blend of iambs and anapests, alternating between four and three beat lines—a good choice for a poem with 'ballad' in the title.
The only trouble I see here is the second clause in L3:
Quote: only he would survive
It is unclear (to me) whether you meant that he would be the only child to survive, or just that the only thing he would survive, or go on, to do is dance for pennies. Also, the location is unclear; I'm uncertain, and a bit incredulous regarding these cages unless maybe we're talking about a hospital and this is a metaphor, or metonym, but the rest of it is in a park, and it is hard to picture a hospital "in the pines". If Willowbrook pines is just a name for the locale, or a township, etc., and does not literally mean "pines" (which are pretty easy to imagine being in a park, but the cages aren't), shouldn't "pines" then also be capitalized?
~
Quote:What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.
You could perhaps open with this stanza; it provides a name for all the pronoun "he's", and the current opening stanza could provide an explanation for what was missed as a child i.e. the basic idea would be "as a child I missed this, but now i know of the place where he came from", which may be a more logical, linear train of thought for the reader to follow.
~
Quote:What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.
The improper English in L2 bothers me a bit: It should be " he was a good shucker and jiver", or "he could shuck and jive quite well". Also I don't think the the first comma in L3 is needed.
The lyrical rhythm, and imagery, is pretty strong; but again we don't really seem to be following a logical thought-stream—I don't see what yellow eyes and grey side chops have to do with his ability to shuck and jive.
~
Quote:Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar,
we'd dance you to your knees.
I've already addressed my issue with this stanza (which may be a bit pedantic), and that was and still is the only problem I see here. The imagery is good, the rhythm is good ( except that I think "around" would work better that having L2 wholly iambic, and be stronger verbiage), and I really like "bee" simile.
I don't know about about L1 though, it seems to me that more could be said, rather than just repeating the name and chanting "Willy poor Willy" in nursery rhyme fashion.
~
Quote:What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.
The second part of this stanza comes across to me as almost non-sequitur—it may fixed with something as simple as stating "he is(or was) burlap sealed...", but I'm not sure, I struggle to connect it to the rest, the cages, or what led him to this etc.—to me it seems that the metaphors and symbolism (if that's what they are) aren't really held aloft by anything, they are just sort of thrown out there, but I could be missing something here.
~
Quote:And of all my childhood memories,
some bittersweet some tart-
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.
The cadence is off in L2 two; do to the rhythmic expectations set by the previous stanzas, I want to read "bittersweet" as a dactyl, followed by a hard accent, or erSWEET followed by an anapest. As a result I find myself reading it: some BITTersweet SOME.. and tart comes almost as an afterthought, and just drops of the line, which feels too short. A comma after bittersweet may keep me from rushing through the word, and give a me a stronger accent on SWEET, with a cesura.
TBH I think I would go with Tom's Suggestion: some bitter, some sweet, some tart.
"And of all my childhood memories" sets up an expectation for a compare/contrast, or something like " of all of them... this is the most"..or.."this one stands out.." but we're not talking about the others, so why mention them?
As a whole, I like it. It is musical, and demonstrates a good ear for rhythm and cadence (for the most part). It is emotionally accessible, and the dancing Willy image is clear and easy to visualize.
Some of the clauses/lines/stanza seem strung together though, without a whole lot of thought aside from fitting the rhyme, rhythm, and cadence of the stanza form, and I think there's some room here for improvement.