Silent Night (It's not that funny so I'm moving it)

[tectak]

Along the cat-howled, dog-fouled street, hugging rails, they crawl and creep;
grain gratified.
Hop-happiness has held the hours, singing songs until the sleep,
denied by pride,
overcomes the rounding call and one by one they slur goodnight.

"cat-howled" street is good - almost good enough to save the whole poem. "dog-fouled" is good as well, but the internal rhyme so close makes it read like doggerel. "crawl and" adds nothing at all, but of course, you know that. "grain gratified" I have to assume is some odd contrivance for beer-sotted but I don't think it works at all, especially with hop-happiness coming round the bend. If you put that term on a page by itself what would it mean. The alliteration is a bit much - especially as it is the nasty sibilant kind. Rule of thumb for alliteration is the same as rhyme, if it is so noticeable as to detract from the read, eliminate it. "the' sleep is odd until we get the inversion. "denied by pride" - ugh, you are going to be doing this kind of thing through the whole poem aren't you?

Counted out, in to the night the shirt-sweat, flat-caps tumble; tired
by ale and cheers.
Up the blustered bank they trail a windy wake and laugh, inspired
by pressured peers.
Over-swung and badly hung the garden gates slam-clang them home.

"tired by ale and cheers" as terribly awkward in addition to, of course the natural inversion. So, it some kind of drinking song. Once again, the alliteration is painful. "inspired by pressured peers" - really, I know you want the cliche, but does pressure add anything at all? The last line here is pretty good.

Windows dark and curtains shut, yet wailing wife and stubbed-toe curse
defiles the dark.
Passions pound to shake the beds, 'til icon Saints fall down; and worse,
the mad dogs bark.
Saturday is Sunday now. The rest will come through snore-roar peace.


tectak
"Curtains for Mrs. Westbrook" 2011 revisited in verse.

I think the tendency to use article and not use articles mixed together makes no sense at all. You certainly aren't being minimalist here so why do we get things like "wailing wife" and "stubbed-toe curse" without articles? Also, to the minimalism, there are so many adjectives and participle phrases and prepositional phrases here it needs to be stripped a bit.

Shit...maybe it is funny after all Should I move it back?
....yes,yes...you are right on your points, milo old bean!
This is condensate from one of my tragi-comedy short stories and as such is hopelessly over-cooked. The meter is running, of course, and I am not sure a rework would be worth the effort. Nonetheless, it is temporarily in Serious so I will heed your wise words as from a pressured pee-er (admit it, you missed the pot there, didn't you?
Very best,
tectak
PS British beer...grain, hops, water. Yahoo! ( I only drink whisky)

---

Hey Tektack,
I've read this over a multitude of times. I think there is a monster poem hiding in here. There are some awesome individual lines that think you can manipulate and jumble around to clarify the form. I jotted down in a loose example because i didn't want to completely rewrite your poem but if you wanted me to i could elaborate with a few cut and paste verses to show you what i see in your words.
Cheers,
Chazz

Example

Along the cat-howled, dog-fouled street,
hugging rails, they crawl and creep;
grain gratified and hop happy.

Yes...do some more, charles. I'm no prima donna. Interesting exercise on a throw away piece. In fact, I like the rhythm of your eg. but can you get the gratifying anapest in every stanza? I'm fussy like that.
Best,
tectak