11-25-2013, 08:56 AM
This is really good, Mungo Man. The three stanzas act like specific details in a well painted scene. Together, they work together to portray the frigid desperation of your 'starving artist'. You use imagery crisply and concisely, such that I could almost see the breath of the narrator as he speaks. I also much enjoyed the metaphor of 'an idea lost in translation'.
On its own, that phrase might have been cliche. But if fits superbly into the sense of the poem.
The first stanza has a bit of a stumble in the third line. 'onto temporary sheets' is off by one beat as I read it aloud. You might think about just replacing those two lines with 'onto cheap parchment'. Also, the first line works well as an introduction. I think, however, that it is too easy for the reader to skim past it too quickly.
This may be because of the parrallel structures of 'Ink Black' and 'Pen Posed'. You might add commas between Ink & Black, and Pen & Posed, so as to slow down the reader. This would reinforce the images of Ink and Pen poised over a sheet of paper, as well.
On its own, that phrase might have been cliche. But if fits superbly into the sense of the poem.
The first stanza has a bit of a stumble in the third line. 'onto temporary sheets' is off by one beat as I read it aloud. You might think about just replacing those two lines with 'onto cheap parchment'. Also, the first line works well as an introduction. I think, however, that it is too easy for the reader to skim past it too quickly.
This may be because of the parrallel structures of 'Ink Black' and 'Pen Posed'. You might add commas between Ink & Black, and Pen & Posed, so as to slow down the reader. This would reinforce the images of Ink and Pen poised over a sheet of paper, as well.