11-26-2013, 05:07 AM
This poem has an interesting rhyme scheme. The first two lines and the last line of each stanza all rhyme. The third line of each stanza, however, breaks with the others.
There is almost a rhyme scheme shared between these lines in each stanza, but it is inconsistent. It doesn't have the same feel in the second stanza as it does in the first. This is probably because 'bright' is so close to 'night'.
The second stanza doesn't have any similar word to evoke internal rhyme with 'light,' however. You could fix this by changing 'translucent pearls entwine tall grass' to something like 'translucent pearls bind tight, tall grass'.
The third stanza avoids the internal rhyme problem all together, because of the alliteration between 'snow' and 'serenade'. The two 's' sounds keep the stanza together, and prevent that awkward feeling of disjointedness in the second stanza. Excellent.
The fourth stanza, on the other hand, rhymes 'white' in the first line with 'white' in the last. You might want to find a different end word in either the 1st or 4th line.
The structure of the rhyme scheme in that fourth stanza is an excellent choice. Going ABBA would work to frame the thought. It would signal closure, and bring the poem to a gentle end.
By not repeating white, then, you avoid calling attention to it. That sort of subtlety is to be desired in poems like this.
It's a very silent, almost stoic poem. The reader can feel the silence, the hushed movements, and the gentle crush of snow. The ending is much like this as well, as soft and delicate as a single snowflake falling into water.
There is almost a rhyme scheme shared between these lines in each stanza, but it is inconsistent. It doesn't have the same feel in the second stanza as it does in the first. This is probably because 'bright' is so close to 'night'.
The second stanza doesn't have any similar word to evoke internal rhyme with 'light,' however. You could fix this by changing 'translucent pearls entwine tall grass' to something like 'translucent pearls bind tight, tall grass'.
The third stanza avoids the internal rhyme problem all together, because of the alliteration between 'snow' and 'serenade'. The two 's' sounds keep the stanza together, and prevent that awkward feeling of disjointedness in the second stanza. Excellent.
The fourth stanza, on the other hand, rhymes 'white' in the first line with 'white' in the last. You might want to find a different end word in either the 1st or 4th line.
The structure of the rhyme scheme in that fourth stanza is an excellent choice. Going ABBA would work to frame the thought. It would signal closure, and bring the poem to a gentle end.
By not repeating white, then, you avoid calling attention to it. That sort of subtlety is to be desired in poems like this.
It's a very silent, almost stoic poem. The reader can feel the silence, the hushed movements, and the gentle crush of snow. The ending is much like this as well, as soft and delicate as a single snowflake falling into water.