11-26-2013, 12:04 PM
Nice rhyme scheme and meter - you found a good balance between keeping meter and having it sound like natural language. Mixing the rhymes was an interesting choice - I expected that the third line of each stanza would hold constant because of the '-ight' in stanzas 1 and 2 - to my ear, a poem of this length should either have a constant there or, if anything, should vary only in the last stanza. This is further confused by the fact that the third line of stanza 4 rhymes with the main rhymes of stanza 3.
The woods stand sacred, cloaked in snow,
glimmering now and bright, although --- I like the enjambment here, it moves the scene forward nicely
the chilly wind portends the night
and winter sun falls deep and low.
And here the ice and frost amass,
translucent pearls entwine tall grass --- you want some kind of punctuation here - a semicolon would work, or probably a comma
they glow in waning shreds of light --- I'm torn on shreds of light - on one hand, it's new and interesting visually, but it also is such a mixed metaphor
like swirling, twinkling shards of glass. --- this image is less fresh than many of your others, and 'shreds of light' followed by 'shards of glass' doesn't sound right - not close enough to work as a kind of echo, not different enough to not draw attention to itself. Actually 'shreds of light' might work better if you change that last line to a more parallel image
The doe and stag stand in the glade
side by side for warmth, afraid --- another nice enjambment
of nothing here – in pine and snow,
the whip-poor-will their serenade. --- jokes of deer romance aside (lol), this line isn't working for me - in part I don't think it follows well from 'in pine and snow,' in part I think the agency you've given them (i.e. that they're serenading) doesn't fit with the rest of the imagery of the poem - it's so busy, after all that stillness
These sacred woods, enshrined in white
protect all these and more each night -
ice-embroidered blankets laid --- I like this image
swaddling each in bands of white. --- someone already mentioned it, but rhyming white with white is a bit off - I would switch the first one and keep the 'bands of white'
Thanks for sharing
The woods stand sacred, cloaked in snow,
glimmering now and bright, although --- I like the enjambment here, it moves the scene forward nicely
the chilly wind portends the night
and winter sun falls deep and low.
And here the ice and frost amass,
translucent pearls entwine tall grass --- you want some kind of punctuation here - a semicolon would work, or probably a comma
they glow in waning shreds of light --- I'm torn on shreds of light - on one hand, it's new and interesting visually, but it also is such a mixed metaphor
like swirling, twinkling shards of glass. --- this image is less fresh than many of your others, and 'shreds of light' followed by 'shards of glass' doesn't sound right - not close enough to work as a kind of echo, not different enough to not draw attention to itself. Actually 'shreds of light' might work better if you change that last line to a more parallel image
The doe and stag stand in the glade
side by side for warmth, afraid --- another nice enjambment
of nothing here – in pine and snow,
the whip-poor-will their serenade. --- jokes of deer romance aside (lol), this line isn't working for me - in part I don't think it follows well from 'in pine and snow,' in part I think the agency you've given them (i.e. that they're serenading) doesn't fit with the rest of the imagery of the poem - it's so busy, after all that stillness
These sacred woods, enshrined in white
protect all these and more each night -
ice-embroidered blankets laid --- I like this image
swaddling each in bands of white. --- someone already mentioned it, but rhyming white with white is a bit off - I would switch the first one and keep the 'bands of white'
Thanks for sharing