Ink Stained Mindset

[tectak]

Edit 3: *another posibility*[/b]
Ink black, and pen posedMake sure of your word choice...do you mean "pen poised"?
to etch words and scenes
onto cheap parchment.Similarly. Etching on to parchment is an unlikely pastime...and cheap parchment just would not take the process at all;certainly not with a pen! You may etch in to wood, stone, leather, potatoes and PRINT from the etching...but parchment?

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A staring artist with nothing to say.a worthy stanza but "staring" is weak and meaningless in the context.

It's slipping away, off the page,Beware it! It is non-definite and begs a question....what is it? L2 should be L1 to stand a chance
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed handsDon't make word uses up. Though "benumbed" exists this beuseless technique beconfounds your readers and bemuses those who KNOW their words.. What is wrong with NUMBED HANDS?
never wrote anything new
[/b]Hello,
You have a concept here which is worth developing. Try to write what you FEEL not what you want your reader to be impressed by. Apart from the interesting fact that you will find that this is easier (NUMBED instead of BENUMBED) it is more likely that your concept will become prominent rather than your construct...and when you begin writing poetry that is important. Keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it within your grasp. You are in charge of the words.....not the other way round. Even your Muse will leave the poetry to you.
Best,
tectak[b]

Edit 2: (*these are my considered changes*)

Ink black, and pen posed
to etch words and scenes
onto temporary sheets
of cheap parchment.

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A staring artist with nothing to say.

It's slipping away, off the page,
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed hands
never wrote anything new




[b] Edit 1: Reversed s1 and s2

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A starving artist with nothing to say.

Ink black and pen posed
to etch words and scenes
onto temporary sheets
of cheap parchment

It's slipping away, off the page,
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed hands
never wrote anything new.





Original:
Ink black and pen posed
to etch words and scenes
onto temporary sheets
of cheap parchment.

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A starving artist with nothing to say.

It's slipping away, off the page,
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed hands
never wrote anything new.

---

Edit 3: *another posibility*[/b]
Ink black, and pen posedMake sure of your word choice...do you mean "pen poised"?
to etch words and scenes
onto cheap parchment.Similarly. Etching on to parchment is an unlikely pastime...and cheap parchment just would not take the process at all;certainly not with a pen! You may etch in to wood, stone, leather, potatoes and PRINT from the etching...but parchment?

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A staring artist with nothing to say.a worthy stanza but "staring" is weak and meaningless in the context.

It's slipping away, off the page,Beware it! It is non-definite and begs a question....what is it? L2 should be L1 to stand a chance
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed handsDon't make word uses up.Though "benumbed" exists this beuseless technique beconfounds your readers and bemuses those who KNOW their words.. What is wrong with NUMBED HANDS?
never wrote anything new
Hello,
You have a concept here which is worth developing. Try to write what you FEEL not what you want your reader to be impressed by. Apart from the interesting fact that you will find that this is easier (NUMBED instead of BENUMBED) it is more likely that your concept will become prominent rather than your construct...and when you begin writing poetry that is important. Keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it within your grasp. You are in charge of the words.....not the other way round. Even your Muse will leave the poetry to you.
Best,
tectak[b]

Edit 2: (*these are my considered changes*)

Ink black, and pen posed
to etch words and scenes
onto temporary sheets
of cheap parchment.

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A staring artist with nothing to say.

It's slipping away, off the page,
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed hands
never wrote anything new




[b] Edit 1: Reversed s1 and s2

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A starving artist with nothing to say.

Ink black and pen posed
to etch words and scenes
onto temporary sheets
of cheap parchment

It's slipping away, off the page,
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed hands
never wrote anything new.





Original:
Ink black and pen posed
to etch words and scenes
onto temporary sheets
of cheap parchment.

In an alleyway with no shoes,
toes frozen and poking through
socks that frayed last year.
A starving artist with nothing to say.

It's slipping away, off the page,
an idea lost in translation.
A pen that never stopped moving
in his benumbed hands
never wrote anything new.