Struck By Lightning

[Simatong]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons."

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer?

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek.

The Biblical implications are pretty cool. I like the echo of "here" b/c, well, it is "here" the reader will find the answer. Repeating it helps me. It doesn't matter if I agree w/this piece or not as long as the narrator does, and the way this is written, the narrator does. It actually has a start, a middle, and an end (destination). Pretty short trip, but since the narrator is smiling at the end, it must have been worth the trip

I'd like to think this is a smaller of a much longer piece. As Christians start Advent, Isaiah is in full swing. This reminds me of him. Thanks for posting.

Thank you for your comments. I want to add more to it, and I am getting more and more inspired to do so sooner rather than later.

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for me this is out and out prose. not a prose poem but dedicated prose. it reads like snippets of a story. has no poetic devices
i'm not sure how to tie the title into the poem either.

thanks for the read.

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. a bit lord of the ringish that's too ambiguous

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons. reads like fluff, as though it's pretending to say something, it's a lamb in wolf's clothing. fine in a tale but not good in a poem.

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? again, this reads as fluff that doesn't actually go anywhere or show anything

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. a very weak ending, the journey to this point never showed me anything.

Honestly, I find your critique to be the most helpful of all the critiques I have gotten so far on this website, and I thank you for calling it fluffy. Seriously. Sometimes as a poet, I forget to put a message into my poetry; kind of like backing a pie without adding the filling. Yeah, you have a foundation, but you need a bit more than that. To be fair, I wrote this on my Facebook wall in the spare of the moment, but again, I need to have a message in there. Thank you for reminding me of that. I seriously do appreciate it, and will be adding more soon. I want my pie to have some filling, something a reader can really sink their teeth into. Thanks again for the critique

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Hi,

I have taken your lines and condensed them - all of us have our own ideas about poetry. This, to me, uses your own thoughts, ideas, and words and makes for more palatable reading. I am a novice, these are just my thoughts to take or leave. Best to you.


Something is here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face, though familiar voices
call me to step forward, embrace the unseen,
chase the mystery that beckons.

Into the abyss I run,
until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows.
Who is it that brings me here?
I run to you at my own heart's yearning.

Searching in a world without answers,
I reach my destination,
yet see but a mirror with my own reflection-
for I am the answer that I seek.

Thank you for your insights.

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I really don't want to sound dismissive of a person's work.... but, I'm going to say it: this poem sounds like subtitles to a Japanese video game. All that I like here is the concept. I think the "introspection" and finding one's self concept can work.... but it needs some conduit aspect to aide that 'quest' for self.... otherwise it's uninteresting/undefined. I can't figure out how to rework said concept into language that is not overused. Sorry!

No need to apologize. I thank you for your honesty. I am trying to see how I can rework this.