The Cremater

[beaufort]

quote='tomoffing' pid='147505' dateline='1384738480']
Revision 2

Thanks a million for your feedback and input. I've reworked this fairly heavily in light of your suggestions.
I've pared back the word count, and tried to adapt to a more a set structure.

Thanks again,
t


The Cremator

I slip a paper from its trim packet,
and behind the nipped strands of nestled tobacco
I slide a small cotton safety cylinder. might leave out either "cotton" or "safety" here and use a comma rather than a period
Slim defence against the stiff pinch. no capitalization of "slim",
"defense" not "defense" (no period)
of this cured golden Virginia weed,
an unassuming purveyor of need.
Two, perhaps three rolls, a quick fold,
a swift flick and a right to left lick
seals the gum on this deadly little jacket.

A scratched match flares, then smoulders.
Amber shadows glow and dim as I draw deeply. might consider a semicolon here, wouldn't really dim when you are drawing deeply, but I get the idea of changing colors
Conjured ghostly tendrils entwine my mind.
Calmed, I succumb to the sinister delusion.
Blood vessels swell, circulation slows. not that it matters, but nicotine causes vasoconstriction, not vasodilation. I would put a comma here rather than a period
Numbness feathers into my toes.
Shrouded in an ashen wreath, whose wretched reek
Expelled through yellowing grey teeth
Signals to all I'm getting older.
no need to capitalize "expelled " or " signals"

The stubbed butt writhes, and hisses. no comma after " writhes, comma after " hisses"
Snuffed amidst the remains of fallen comrades. small "s"
They will have vengeance. I will gasp
within a fetid fog, and curse
with a despairing final wheeze
a habit that began with such ease.
For gangrene, leukemia, stroke and emphysema this line seems too busy to me
are but tools to torment we puffing fools.
True death is hidden in a thousand kisses.

Now I ask myself, "If that's what's to come,
what's the damn harm in just another one?".
And that thought, right there, that casual swear,

that's when they won. might add a bit here, "that's when they have won" or "is when I knew they'd won"

I've read this aloud several times, these suggestions sound better to my ear, hope they are useful. The content of this will be easily identified with by smokers and former smokers - thanks
_______________


The Cremater

With a wisp I peel a paper from ever well prepared packet.
Slip the small cotton safety cylinder from its sleeve
and slide it, between forefinger and thumb,
Where already nestled is a stiff pinch of Sky Blue Drum.
Two, perhaps three rolls, a quick fold, a swift flick
and a right to left lick seals the gum on this deadly little jacket.

Ch-ch, ch-clip
goes my lighter, blue and amber igniter, cancer's inciter.
Slowly I inhale. Dry tobacco crackles in the heat,
And cackles at his relaxing deceit.
Ghostly tendrils swirl and entwine my mind with such calming confusion
That I notice not his deathly intrusions.
Blindly I suck another burning breath of bronchial bad luck.
Blood vessels swell. Circulation slows.
He feathers numbness into my toes and I blame the weather as they grow colder.
The wretched reek of his grey ashen wreath wrapped about my shoulders
Signals to all but I that I am getting older. Rapidly.

I've not yet stubbed by time he embeds the macabre dread;
That by his wicked wish I am already dead.
In the grasp of his fetid mist I will gasp
and suffocate beneath his weight,
And curse with a despairing final wheeze from decrepit lungs
The habit that began with such ease when I was so young.

So I ask myself,
"If that's what's to come,
What's the damn harm in having another one?"
And that thought, right there, that casual swear,

That's when he won.

_____

FYI,
The Sky Blue Drum referred to in line 4 is a brand of tobacco. I'm unsure if this is well known enough to work, or if the overall image is sufficient for the conclusion to be drawn?

Also very unsatisfied with the title.

Any suggestions/feedback much appreciated.

Thanks a lot,
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