Her Thraldom

[Todd]

Thanks for the feedback, I'll try to implement some of your advice. The capital letters were actually a typo. I was typing fast and looked past it when I proof read and i too thought the title was a bit bland or not powerful enough i just didn't know what to lean with. As far as "crashing comber of metaphors" I wrote "like" afterward to introduce the metaphors that will follow. I don't see what i wrote as a simile. Is my idea of a metaphor wrong?

What would you suggest besides distraught, i know the image I'm trying to paint but I don't know what direction i should go. I also don't see how it damages the image but I'm eager to know how.

I keyed on like because like or as is usually a lead in for a simile. I'm not saying you'd written similes but you could play on the structure you've created and do just that. That said you could also simply cut like. I'm not sure if that answered the question fully.

Distraught: I don't immediately have an replacement. Let me rephrase your line into an obvious metaphor:

Her mind is a Leaning Tower

That is essentially what you are getting at the syntax is being adjusted to accommodate a rhyme.

There is nothing in the image to suggest that the mind would be necessarily distraught. It is a little too open ended. Nervous breakdown could be possible. She could be wavering between choices. So what you've done is essentially this:

Her distraught mind is a leaning tower.

That adjective is telling because it doesn't lead logically from the image.

So we're going for upset and agitated in distraught. You could possibly get upset in some aspect though it strikes me as more wavering decision with the image. What you can't get is agitation. What that likely means is the image isn't quite the right one, and will require some thought.

This isn't what I'd necessarily use in the poem but a distraught image in my mind (that also might include anger) would be striking a bee hive with a stick. Again, I'm not saying that's what you should use, but I hope it makes sense.

Best,

Todd