01-27-2014, 09:49 AM
I liked the second one MUCH better. Great job actually applying everyone's critique! The content was enriched by your use of verbs and adjectives.
"I slide a small cotton safety cylinder." vs "Slip the small cotton safety cylinder from its sleeve and slide it, between forefinger and thumb"? Great improvement.
The ending of the second one also feels more solid to me. I can't point out why but it just does lol.
And why don't you like the title? I'd rather it be vague like it is know so that the reader can apply their own meaning to it. Making it too literal may close the scope of interpretation.
"I slide a small cotton safety cylinder." vs "Slip the small cotton safety cylinder from its sleeve and slide it, between forefinger and thumb"? Great improvement.
The ending of the second one also feels more solid to me. I can't point out why but it just does lol.
And why don't you like the title? I'd rather it be vague like it is know so that the reader can apply their own meaning to it. Making it too literal may close the scope of interpretation.