02-14-2014, 02:44 PM
O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?
I think it could be my difference in style, I am new to the whole poetry thing (both writing and especially critiquing). My personal taste says to drop the first “O” in the first line. Instead of “Fueling” I would say “O, How you fuel” and put an “and” in the third line. I would also add “Caffeine" to the beginning of last line of that stanza.” These changes in effect would look like:
Caffeine, O Caffeine
O how you fuel my fantasies
Faithful by morn, and faithful by noon
Caffeine, what would I do without you?
I don’t know, I am not a critic, maybe that is too much.
O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.
I am not necessarily the biggest fan of this use of repetition. I think repeating the word caffeine is effective, but in exactly the same phrase kind of nulls the stimulus. For this one you could say something like “glorious caffeine” instead and it still flows fine. I think the second, third and fourth lines are great!
O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?
I think this verse is great and actually needs no revision in my opinion. Sorry if you don’t like my critique of the first stanza, but I love the idea and I love caffeine!
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?
I think it could be my difference in style, I am new to the whole poetry thing (both writing and especially critiquing). My personal taste says to drop the first “O” in the first line. Instead of “Fueling” I would say “O, How you fuel” and put an “and” in the third line. I would also add “Caffeine" to the beginning of last line of that stanza.” These changes in effect would look like:
Caffeine, O Caffeine
O how you fuel my fantasies
Faithful by morn, and faithful by noon
Caffeine, what would I do without you?
I don’t know, I am not a critic, maybe that is too much.
O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.
I am not necessarily the biggest fan of this use of repetition. I think repeating the word caffeine is effective, but in exactly the same phrase kind of nulls the stimulus. For this one you could say something like “glorious caffeine” instead and it still flows fine. I think the second, third and fourth lines are great!
O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?
I think this verse is great and actually needs no revision in my opinion. Sorry if you don’t like my critique of the first stanza, but I love the idea and I love caffeine!