Contend You Not

[geoff]

Hello Dale,

I saw your comment about syntax. I feel like sonnets often lend themselves to inverted structures. I'll see what I can offer and maybe you'll like an idea or two.

.

Contend you not then with the untrained mind, ...I feel like the "you" is not needed in this line. Being an imperative already, it feels extra and is a bit awkward in structure. to keep the meter, another adjective could possibly go before "mind"
Conspire it will the scalpel to evade, ....I take it that "scalpel" is the subject "it". Perhaps some commas before and after "the scalpel" will help the flow and understanding
It flees on fearful legs its thoughts to blind,...again, a comma may be needed after "legs"
Some semblance of false pride that it may save.
Contend you not with those too eas’ly hurt, ...again, my preference would be to remove the "you" and adjust the line as needed to meet the meter. Perhaps an elaboration on what is hurting these people (e.g., "with those too eas'ly hurt by....) could help make the poem a bit less abstract
Anemone, are they who thus do live,
Feelers at will, recall, when to its work,
Your reply, it has nothing there to give....this line the and two above it went a bit over my head. I don't fully understand just how the "they" are living (from the line "thus do live"). Whose work? Where is "there"? For me, I am missing something entirely because I am never able to get my feet set
Contend not with those beyond all assail,...the "all" felt like a filler word to me
With strong walls thick that let no mote inside, ...I understand if you wish to keep for effect, but "strong, thick walls" would really make the wall stand out to me more and make it more of a force in the line
Your not invited to their carnival,...."You're"
No worth to lean against the gate and bide. ...my favorite line in the poem
The coin of proverbs can’t be give’ or spent, ....for a poem that really strays from the verb "to be", I disliked it being used here. "can't be" isn't very helpful as a phrase. Even just saying something like "The coin of proverbs never give' or spent" would give a similar effect in a slightly stronger way for me
Those who desire wisdom only to rent.

—Erthona


Yes, I am aware of how horrid this is, and you may point out its flaws should you wish, though I doubt will bring many new ones to my attention. What I could use are suggestions to work out the syntactically tortured parts which is about 70% of the poem. But regardless, feel free to slice and dice as it is not that often I put something out in this poor of shape, but I have done all I could. So maybe take pity on the poor thing and help it along.

Thanks,


Dale

Hope maybe one or two of these ideas may help!

-geoff