03-05-2014, 03:34 AM
hello,
and damn you for posting this in a critical forum, because all I want to really say is, it is great. However, rules is rules, and I don't want to go the way of the rabbit; so here it goes.
'he tells me to wait outside,
i kick stones...' I think maybe a full stop after 'outside'.
I always thought it was berry-brown not brown-berry; maybe wrong, though.
er... struggling now... I suppose... that's about it for the negatives.
on the positive side, it is all there. metaphor, layers, blood and guts, all that good stuff. Seriously, it would be pointless trying to go through everything I like about this poem; it would have to be an essay or something. But, just the physicality of it, it plugs into the nervous system and folds in like layers of lead. A truly great piece. And incredibly inspiring. thanks.
and damn you for posting this in a critical forum, because all I want to really say is, it is great. However, rules is rules, and I don't want to go the way of the rabbit; so here it goes.
'he tells me to wait outside,
i kick stones...' I think maybe a full stop after 'outside'.
I always thought it was berry-brown not brown-berry; maybe wrong, though.
er... struggling now... I suppose... that's about it for the negatives.
on the positive side, it is all there. metaphor, layers, blood and guts, all that good stuff. Seriously, it would be pointless trying to go through everything I like about this poem; it would have to be an essay or something. But, just the physicality of it, it plugs into the nervous system and folds in like layers of lead. A truly great piece. And incredibly inspiring. thanks.