03-19-2014, 11:33 AM
I've never personally been to Vegas, but you did a good job of drawing me there; I liked your poem a lot 
Some quick notes - if I read the first two lines without 'I've' in the first and 'the' in the second it's perfect iambic quadrameter and has a much more natural rhythm to it. Adding 'At' to the beginning of the third line extends the same meter very simply. Many of the instances of 'the' aren't necessary and a few of the prepositions could be edited to two-syllable forms to improve the meter as well.
First line of last stanza - usual grammar rules apply and beginning with a conjunction throws off the feel of it.
Some phrases are a bit tired like 'still singing' and 'greying hair' and could easily be spiced up and amp up the intrigue of the poem with simple metaphors.
It's a good piece that I think could be excellent with some creativity and technicality applied.
Some quick notes - if I read the first two lines without 'I've' in the first and 'the' in the second it's perfect iambic quadrameter and has a much more natural rhythm to it. Adding 'At' to the beginning of the third line extends the same meter very simply. Many of the instances of 'the' aren't necessary and a few of the prepositions could be edited to two-syllable forms to improve the meter as well.
First line of last stanza - usual grammar rules apply and beginning with a conjunction throws off the feel of it.
Some phrases are a bit tired like 'still singing' and 'greying hair' and could easily be spiced up and amp up the intrigue of the poem with simple metaphors.
It's a good piece that I think could be excellent with some creativity and technicality applied.