03-31-2014, 10:19 AM
"Poetry is very new to me, any advice would help"
Try writing something besides love poetry. It is probably the most difficult poetry to write well, as it is so easy to fall into cliches, trite phrases. It's obvious you are reaching to find descriptions, and unfortunately failing. These two lines are several lines apart,
Fathoms measured by oceans,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,
but in the first you say "Fathoms measured by oceans" then in the second you simply reverse the syntax "oceans measured by fathoms".
A fathom is a measure of water depth, it cannot be measured by oceans as it already is a measure. It's like saying cups measured by flour.
You do this throughout most of the poem, most of the lines when parsed out are senseless.
"It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,"
When you say "our" then "we've shared" becomes redundant. If something is ours then of course we have shared it.
It's our car that we've shared. Duh, really?
To the rest of the line. Take out the extraneous and you have:
our love holds meaningful devotion.
our house holds furniture!
---------------------------------------------
Really, stay away from love poetry. Find something you can say something meaningful about without doubling back over yourself, giving obvious definition, or completely misusing a word.
I'm not saying this to be mean. No one does love poetry well when they first start writing poetry. Also, try writing your sentences out in a single line to see if they make sense. Also make sure they are sentences. According to your punctuation this is one sentence.
"Held with the knowing that what we see as showing together life shares as one, although parted, left unfolding, the weight on guilt, shamefully with holding, despite feeling like tons it’s less than others of loathing reflections of our past, over takes me, the glad, the sad, and even the angry, memories we both have had."
Your poem isn't any worse than most of the first tries people put u[ here, especially if it is love poetry. Maybe try reading William Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience", and copying those forms. Here's a link Songs
Try writing something besides love poetry. It is probably the most difficult poetry to write well, as it is so easy to fall into cliches, trite phrases. It's obvious you are reaching to find descriptions, and unfortunately failing. These two lines are several lines apart,
Fathoms measured by oceans,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,
but in the first you say "Fathoms measured by oceans" then in the second you simply reverse the syntax "oceans measured by fathoms".
A fathom is a measure of water depth, it cannot be measured by oceans as it already is a measure. It's like saying cups measured by flour.
You do this throughout most of the poem, most of the lines when parsed out are senseless.
"It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,"
When you say "our" then "we've shared" becomes redundant. If something is ours then of course we have shared it.
It's our car that we've shared. Duh, really?
To the rest of the line. Take out the extraneous and you have:
our love holds meaningful devotion.
our house holds furniture!
---------------------------------------------
Really, stay away from love poetry. Find something you can say something meaningful about without doubling back over yourself, giving obvious definition, or completely misusing a word.
I'm not saying this to be mean. No one does love poetry well when they first start writing poetry. Also, try writing your sentences out in a single line to see if they make sense. Also make sure they are sentences. According to your punctuation this is one sentence.
"Held with the knowing that what we see as showing together life shares as one, although parted, left unfolding, the weight on guilt, shamefully with holding, despite feeling like tons it’s less than others of loathing reflections of our past, over takes me, the glad, the sad, and even the angry, memories we both have had."
Your poem isn't any worse than most of the first tries people put u[ here, especially if it is love poetry. Maybe try reading William Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience", and copying those forms. Here's a link Songs
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.