05-01-2014, 12:38 AM
This is my first time on the Novice board, so I'm not sure how much of a critique to give.
I'd like to suggest that you revise the poem with an eye to cutting out unnecessary phrases and lines. For example, you wrote this:
Do you fear the passage of time?
That one day, the flames of our friends,
our family and all that is dear
will snuff out, and leave behind
only smoky remnants of our past?
But this, I think, is an improvement:
Do you fear the passage of time?
That day when all our flames are snuffed out
Leaving only smoking remnants of our past?
The word "our" pretty much explains to the reader that you mean the people who are dear to you -- you don't need to list them.
I've posted those lines just as an example of how a wordy poem can be cut down. When cutting out phrases, ask yourself, "Is this phrase central to the meaning of the poem, or does it provide necessary details or somehow expand on the central theme?" If not, it should go. Having said that, I should point out that ballad-type poems -- i.e., poems that tell a story -- are an exception to the rule.
I'd like to suggest that you revise the poem with an eye to cutting out unnecessary phrases and lines. For example, you wrote this:
Do you fear the passage of time?
That one day, the flames of our friends,
our family and all that is dear
will snuff out, and leave behind
only smoky remnants of our past?
But this, I think, is an improvement:
Do you fear the passage of time?
That day when all our flames are snuffed out
Leaving only smoking remnants of our past?
The word "our" pretty much explains to the reader that you mean the people who are dear to you -- you don't need to list them.
I've posted those lines just as an example of how a wordy poem can be cut down. When cutting out phrases, ask yourself, "Is this phrase central to the meaning of the poem, or does it provide necessary details or somehow expand on the central theme?" If not, it should go. Having said that, I should point out that ballad-type poems -- i.e., poems that tell a story -- are an exception to the rule.