Under the Porch Light

[71degrees]

Youth is a strange thing, superficial and thin —
As fine and slight as snow, and quickly over;
Yet many a woman and most men
Will have it as their only lover.

Even I, who says it does not sway me,
Look in your aged eyes and love them so
Because I see the youngster waiting;
Though were youth to leave, I would not go.

And so we are children in our hearts,
And that is why our age seems so outrageous;
Beauty fades, but the composure in your face
Could in no way be more gorgeous.

Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star.

Let us be content to watch the end settle
Around us three — one and one and two —
Like the soft shawl held to our necks — an end
That is not an end, but the start of something new.

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This is a somewhat old poem for me, but I would like to put it to bed now. I would like your reaction in three areas:

- The third line used to say, "Yet many a woman and most of men". I liked it, but most readers thought I was trying to flesh out the meter (I wasn't), so I removed "of". Does it sound good the way it stands now?

- Does the "outrageous/gorgeous" rhyme sound too strained or comical?

- Do you understand the "one and one and two" line?

I have other things to say about the poem, but I'll wait for some feedback first. One more thing: I wasn't trying to write a metrically perfect poem, so considerations about the meter aren't very important to me.

"as old folks often are"....is too direct. The running commentary throughout the poem is distracting. Let the reader do a little work, will ya'? You seem to be going out your way to make sure everyone "understands" what this poem is about. Even your "before" comments about the poem are pretty leading (although I understand none of these comments would be there were I to open a book and find this poem, I also found these comments distracting). It's a nice poem. Let the reader enjoy it a little w/o all the commentary.

"Schmaltzy" w/o being too schmaltzy. Melancholy w/o being too melancholy. Nostalgic w/o being too nostalgic. Has a touch of all of these. I think you need to decide what you want it to be. A lesson poem? A look back poem? I wish I had done it differently poem? As it stands, it sounds a little like a Wish I wasn't old but I am poem. The last line is highly cliche' to me. Old vs Young Please Listen to Me I'm Old poems are a dime a dozen. What makes this one special? Give me something that a younger reader can REALLY take to heart.