05-02-2014, 02:16 AM
Hello Caleb.
Youth is a strange thing, superficial and thin —
As fine and slight as snow, and quickly over;
Yet many a woman and most men
Will have it as their only lover.
The statement that, youth is a "strange thing" does not work for me. Youth is youth.
"Superficial and thin" is the same thing as "fine and slight as snow"
and is therefore redundant. It is also "show" not "tell".
I like the connotation of the last line.
Even I, who says it does not sway me,
Look in your aged eyes and love them so
Because I see the youngster waiting;
Though were youth to leave, I would not go.
This verse starts the mixed message I recieve when reading. IE.
What "youth" are you talking about, the youth of "looks" or the youth
of "internal feeling", that correlates with the "suprerficial and thin" in line 1.
And so we are children in our hearts,
And that is why our age seems so outrageous;
Beauty fades, but the composure in your face
Could in no way be more gorgeous.
Exess wording within the poem needs cutting, hence, in this verse, "and so" in line1 could go, and the "And" that starts line 2.
I cannot see how "composure" can be described as "gorgeous" in this
context. Even though "beauty" fades we would still see beauty in that fading ( or at least it seems the narrator of this poem would).
The way this verse in particular is written comes across as "wooden"
Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star.
The "woodeness" carries on here, I think it's the matter of factness that does it, added to the order of the words, the poem feels "dead".
The Porch light being "just another star" does not work for me, it seems tagged on because there is no sense to it (within the context of what goes before it) that I can discern.
Let us be content to watch the end settle
Around us three — one and one and two —
Like the soft shawl held to our necks — an end
That is not an end, but the start of something new.
The use of "content" again is not good. It could be cut from the verse above.
The second line is overdone, everything after "Around us" does not need to be there.
The same with some of line 3, "like a soft shawl" on its own is much more effective.
The use of "watch the end" seems odd to me, especially coupled with
"soft shawl" "Feel the end" maybe?.
Hope some of this comes across as relevant. JG
Youth is a strange thing, superficial and thin —
As fine and slight as snow, and quickly over;
Yet many a woman and most men
Will have it as their only lover.
The statement that, youth is a "strange thing" does not work for me. Youth is youth.
"Superficial and thin" is the same thing as "fine and slight as snow"
and is therefore redundant. It is also "show" not "tell".
I like the connotation of the last line.
Even I, who says it does not sway me,
Look in your aged eyes and love them so
Because I see the youngster waiting;
Though were youth to leave, I would not go.
This verse starts the mixed message I recieve when reading. IE.
What "youth" are you talking about, the youth of "looks" or the youth
of "internal feeling", that correlates with the "suprerficial and thin" in line 1.
And so we are children in our hearts,
And that is why our age seems so outrageous;
Beauty fades, but the composure in your face
Could in no way be more gorgeous.
Exess wording within the poem needs cutting, hence, in this verse, "and so" in line1 could go, and the "And" that starts line 2.
I cannot see how "composure" can be described as "gorgeous" in this
context. Even though "beauty" fades we would still see beauty in that fading ( or at least it seems the narrator of this poem would).
The way this verse in particular is written comes across as "wooden"
Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star.
The "woodeness" carries on here, I think it's the matter of factness that does it, added to the order of the words, the poem feels "dead".
The Porch light being "just another star" does not work for me, it seems tagged on because there is no sense to it (within the context of what goes before it) that I can discern.
Let us be content to watch the end settle
Around us three — one and one and two —
Like the soft shawl held to our necks — an end
That is not an end, but the start of something new.
The use of "content" again is not good. It could be cut from the verse above.
The second line is overdone, everything after "Around us" does not need to be there.
The same with some of line 3, "like a soft shawl" on its own is much more effective.
The use of "watch the end" seems odd to me, especially coupled with
"soft shawl" "Feel the end" maybe?.
Hope some of this comes across as relevant. JG