05-06-2014, 05:26 PM
only smoky remnants of our past?
That with time, what we hold as the center
of our lives, we will push to the edges
of thought, and that what once was so dear
will fade, and all that will remain is hazy smoke,
the wispy intangibility of our memories?
That in time this smoke, too, will clear,
Be wary of unneccessary repitition. You repeat the word 'smoke' several times in this section, and you use 'our' more than enough times throughout the first verse. "our desperate grasp, Our clasping hands" "our friends, our family" There is no need to constantly and consecutively reestablish the pronoun.
That with time, what we hold as the center
of our lives, we will push to the edges
of thought, and that what once was so dear
will fade, and all that will remain is hazy smoke,
the wispy intangibility of our memories?
That in time this smoke, too, will clear,
Be wary of unneccessary repitition. You repeat the word 'smoke' several times in this section, and you use 'our' more than enough times throughout the first verse. "our desperate grasp, Our clasping hands" "our friends, our family" There is no need to constantly and consecutively reestablish the pronoun.