Diesel

[bbcashdollar]

Hi bb, I liked your poem and I liked RSabas suggestion of breaking up stanza 2 amongst the remaining ones. Plus , I added an article as per Erthona's advice. I've never done anything like this before so take it as a compliment. As we say:, "If it don't apply, let it fly." Also, I really liked the word alliteration of Aurora with accelerate for your closer in the original, "Diesel".



breath in
fuel of work
rounding(the) corner
William to Bailey
sweet heavy cloud
of hauling


Nakuru to Nairobi to Mombasa
motors rumble like grampa
before steel mill(s)
heart-attack took him

moving product to market
Lackawanna to South Buffalo
carrying me and once exotic fruit
to port and home again

complete turn
wheel spins center
Iron Island to East Aurora
accelerate

This looks like a large smattering of words you decided sound nice together. The first, second, and last stanza could potentially be removed.

I like that there are no accidental errors, though punctuation could help this piece. Thanks for the read.

Thanks Tony refer to to top of the thread for the current revision.
I did include a couple of articles per the suggestions. Glad you liked it.