05-07-2014, 09:51 PM
Hi, I'm only new here (and new to poems) so I don't mind if you take my thoughts with a grain of salt:
I really liked ' I stumble as I rust' - I think it's a really captivating and mysterious phrase.
With the first two lines of the first two stanza's I thought you could perhaps have shortened them, perhaps by putting the last words on the next line?
I also thought the same with the rhyme in the third stanza. Just to put some more emphasis on eyes, maybe consider putting it on the next line? Just because of the rhyme with realize.
B.
I really liked ' I stumble as I rust' - I think it's a really captivating and mysterious phrase.
With the first two lines of the first two stanza's I thought you could perhaps have shortened them, perhaps by putting the last words on the next line?
I also thought the same with the rhyme in the third stanza. Just to put some more emphasis on eyes, maybe consider putting it on the next line? Just because of the rhyme with realize.
B.