Mommy (edit 1)

[Brownlie]

Okay here's my first edit of the poem:

She, -- Maybe even she is instead of she. However, this is less of a problem then the instance of I followed by a comma.
the air at first, so vital and immeasurable,
with time became music;
unnecessary but still fully necessary. -- Maybe this theme could be conveyed with a more exact word?
And she, under heart's cessation,
then laid to rest with spade and earth.
What now beneath kelly blades and jade stems?
She was the human body's lightest part;
suddenly stardust scattered
across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow, -- There is a problem here to maybe add is between agony and hammer.
I knew at once broken ribs.
I, an adult somehow torn from a child's crib, -- I think the syntax is a little strange here. Why not say I am an adult? Maybe even get rid of somehow here unless you think it adds to the meaning.
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her whittled sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She is unearthly dots connected;
a cold constellation
bringing light that couldn't possibly be enough,
but it must be,
for I have understood the gun's allure
but know not the steely taste of tranquility.



Original
She,
the air at first
so vital, immeasurable.
With time, the music,
unnecessary but still fully necessary.
And then, under heart's betrayal,
steel blade met unwinding thread.
She,
suddenly stardust
scattered across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow,
I knew at once broken ribs.
I,
an adult somehow torn from crib
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her pinpoints of sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She,
now unearthly dots connected,
a constellation of no warmth
and minuscule light that is not nearly enough
but it must be,
for I have understood the draw of the gun
but know not the taste.

I made a little bolded comment hopefully that explains things a little better. Poetry can involve the use of line breaks to surprise the reader or emphasize an end word and it can utilize various metrical patterns to improve sonics, but I would be weary of omitting various words without a clear intent. I got the impression this was occurring in some of the lines I critiqued. However, there are some interesting metaphors and what not here so I applaud you for that. Hope this helps.