05-29-2014, 06:19 AM
Loretta,
I have only just seen this-- on its 5th edit!
I find it nicely sculpted, and won't add more than to say that had I written this, I would have been greatly tempted to add a line or two before your first line, preferably about a church-clock being heard a long way away (which would tie in later with your 'tick, tick'), but principally, to give me elbow-room before getting to 'Inside' . I would have changed 'inside' for 'within', and then had the next 'within' pick it up, and I should have stuck in a third to-wards the end.
I do not suggest you now do this, though I suppose you could. Repetition can, it is true, be a damned nuisance, but it can also be very effective -that is my point.
I think your work-shopping has retained or enhanced the meaning, while improving the form.
I have only just seen this-- on its 5th edit!
I find it nicely sculpted, and won't add more than to say that had I written this, I would have been greatly tempted to add a line or two before your first line, preferably about a church-clock being heard a long way away (which would tie in later with your 'tick, tick'), but principally, to give me elbow-room before getting to 'Inside' . I would have changed 'inside' for 'within', and then had the next 'within' pick it up, and I should have stuck in a third to-wards the end.
I do not suggest you now do this, though I suppose you could. Repetition can, it is true, be a damned nuisance, but it can also be very effective -that is my point.
I think your work-shopping has retained or enhanced the meaning, while improving the form.