The Picture of His Face

[LorettaYoung]

Hi Loretta!

I know zip about formal poetic forms so I will leave that angle to the experts here.

...And though dear Lord you follow me, and
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.

I like that "his naked face" is "the cunning ghost" that is closer to you, is more immediate to you, than God, with Whom you admit to having a personal relationship. (I think God will cut you some slack. )

A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.

Ooo, this hits you. Very good!

And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.

Excellent strong finish; a very stark image. Maybe you could jiggle it so that "hands" is also in the singular. I think it would flow better.

Thanks!

nb

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Hi Loretta!

I know zip about formal poetic forms so I will leave that angle to the experts here.

...And though dear Lord you follow me, and
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.

I like that "his naked face" is "the cunning ghost" that is closer to you, is more immediate to you, than God, with Whom you admit to having a personal relationship. (I think God will cut you some slack. )

A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.

Ooo, this hits you. Very good!

And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.

Excellent strong finish; a very stark image. Maybe you could jiggle it so that "hands" is also in the singular. I think it would flow better.

Thanks!

nb

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Nb: i am very grateful that you see the depth in this. Yes, I do have a personal relationship with God, but I know He forgives me. I was questioning the hand or hands myself. I will say that the original of this was improved by things I am learning. Thanks much for your time and commenting. Lorett

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Just for help, I also have a wonderful site I use for the basic rules and regs:

http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm

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Just for help, I also have a wonderful site I use for the basic rules and regs:

http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm

---

Hi Bena: thank you so much, I will photocopy it and go find some freedom in solitary. I did mean to say IT, i think it's really tetrameter, mostly, I hope. Loretta

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"they say they've cried much in he past."

A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.

Dale

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"they say they've cried much in he past."

A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.

Dale

---

"they say they've cried much in he past."

A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.

Dale

---

"they say they've cried much in he past."

A lot of this is in trochee instead of iambs, and most lines are four foot not five, so you're a little off from IP. Despite that, this still moves evenly, with only a few disruptive bumps here and there. Of course any one who wants to call themselves a poet should learn the major forms. A Shakespearean sonnet has fourteen lines with an xyxy rhyme scheme for the first 12 lines, then a couplet for the last two, all written in iambic pentameter (five feet of iambs), in case you want to give it a try.
On the whole this reads better than anything else I've seen you write. So keep up the work, you seem to be improving.

Dale

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Erthona: thank you, I'm glad to be learning because the art of it is beautiful. I know it is not IP, that was a mistake, but I thought it was tetrameter. I agree with your suggestions but I think as to stressors and syllable I need to practice; I will do that while I think of a sonnet and IP and stressor, and most importantly, the message. Best Loretta

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it doesn't read as a sonnet as of yet, here's a good link that shows the mechanics of the thing. (in reply to a post to bena you made)
i think the title is great. the poem less so.


Sweet sleep, i beg, to rest serene,
but sudden storms invade my dream,
and tempests rage in vivid scenes.
would be a better meter than the one you have at present. all i did was use the soft stress to start the next line which gives you iambic octometer almost. the sweet line could be:
oh sweet sleep, i would rest serene[ i think there are enough iambs to count as an iambic line]
you could also work each line out to 5 meter feet which would need another soft hard and stressed syllable.
the first verse reminds me of Shelley's Frankenstein and on the whole i think you have some good lines of poetry at play.

a note of caution though. try not to end lines with and or but, or word that carries you out of the meter.

The Picture of His Face

Sweet sleep, i beg, to rest serene, but
sudden storms invade my dream, and
tempests rage in vivid scenes.
And though dear Lord you follow me, and [move the [and] down]
for my sake do part the sea;
his naked face will always be,
the cunning ghost who's haunting me.

Weary eyes although they laugh,
they say they've cried much in he past.
Of course, the smile, a poet's wile;
which sings sweet music with purposed guile.
The heartfelt love, the selfish cad;
mischief was the younger lad.
That knowing grin has seen and touched:
A life on stage now sets his teeth in paper cups.

I feel the face, it's etched in me.
With fingers soft and lovingly;
caressing haunted history, and
treasuring the memory,
of all his face engulfs in me.

And then I wake, the world is bland,
I find therein, my empty hands.

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Hi Billy: thanks for writing, I agree with everything you and Erthona say to now as far as changes, but i do like the poem. Am I correct that putting the and's and but's on the next line, one adding a syllable, and a soft sound first. What is the purpose of soft and hard sounds at the beginning of the line? Thanks billy; still feeling better I trust. Best, Loretta

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Just for help, I also have a wonderful site I use for the basic rules and regs:

http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm

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Hi Bena: what a lot of infomation; thanks so much; it is challenging, but what is life without them. Best, Loretta