KerPlunk

[tectak]

I didn't write this with Sisyphus in mind (I hadn't heard of him), but it does add an interesting twist about inevitability to this one. I might switch "on" to "back" in order to flesh out that metaphor, but I'm not sure about that (mainly because I hadn't even heard of Sisyphus when I wrote it).

"Before" was talking about having a drink before going to the bar (not in front of), which I think was the reason I thought "watched his vision blur" would work, because he was still sober when he had that first drink. I still might try to clarify that a bit. It might be worth changing twig to something more substantial as well.

I don't have a problem with all the then's and the and's in the first stanza, so I'll leave that as is for now.

Thanks for the help everyone.

Hi WJ,
Refreshing honesty. Noted. I have no idea where (or why) the Sisyphus interpretation came from...but it is indicative of the need of crits to "read" in to work what is not there instead of reading what is. Accordingly, I applaud you for lack of pretensions and for the conceptual simplicity of the piece. If Kerplunk wasn't a clue to the metaphor then apart from attaching the instructions for the game as a footnote I do not know what else you could have done.
Aha. Now you say "before GOING to the bar" That is quite different to what you wrote. "Before the bar", with no subjective verb, will always be interpreted as chronological, simply because of the commonality of "before" in time-related usage.
The "thens" and "ands" crit is probably a little pre-emptive in this forum but you would be ceremonially cluster-bombed in "serious" for such word usage. By all means keep them...but do not get in to the habit. You will end up writing lists like an infant and then...and then...and...and....and then...then. Believe me, there ae much more fun ways of linking statements than by "then" and "and". You just need to think more
Very best,
tectak