Thoughts for the Fourth of July

[tectak]

Thoughts for the Forth of July
Fourth...surely Even in America.
We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy. semicolon after brute. No comma after powerful UNLESS you are forcing the intonation...which you do not do normally.
We gave it some of our Freedom,
to secure our security, It seems inconsistently bizarre to capitalise Freedom and not security...the constitution values the two by giving equal weight. Is there another reason which a Brit cannot know?
and those Freedoms that remained. "Some of our freedom " does not sit easily with "..those freedoms".
This parasitic relationship worked well... You gave something in exchange for something is symbiotic not parasitic.
for a time.

As Generations passed, Capital on generations...OK. I give up. Why?
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

We called it Mother, Actually, you called it a real mother....
and it consumed us.

There is merit, here, Dale. As a progressive thought not much is missing but that could be because of the singularity of the concept....it is the snake that eats its tail.
Never sure about enjambment for no obvious effect I am therefore unsure about your use. For me, I would like a formal, statemental, opinionated piece like this to run like clockwork...if only to show confidence in content. As it is, I get distracted by inconsistencies in rhythm, which are easily correctable, but all is opinion.
Best,
tectak
–Erthona


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