A stranger less fortunate (edited)

[tectak]

Any and all help is appreciated; still very new to poetry.

Hi,
Let's start at the beginning....once upon a time. First problem. You have chosen a rhyme scheme (or it has chosen you) which is very restrictive and occupies your intelligence more than does the quintessential purpose of "poetry"; which is to draw on metaphor, imagery and to a great extent....newness. The latter is another way of saying avoid cliches.
Your use of language is not "novel" in that it is quite usual when you are starting out to believe that what you remember most about poetry is the "poetic" turn of phrase...a good expression but now is generally referred to as inverted phrasing. A little of this sort of thing is more than you need.
labyrinth long instead of long labryrinth
forests thick (?) instead of....well, you the idea get, do you not. AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

OK. So look at each stanza. Forget the bizarre roman numerals, its 2014 for Chrissake (indeed), and extract the distilled thought you are trying to express. Please don't think for one moment that the next suggestion will simplify the shit out of your effort...but cut out the unnecessary words. Speak to the reader as you would in a conversation chronologically suited to your historical placement of the poem. In the very first stanza you will come a cropper. We have here some kind of medieval, ill-defined Don Quixote, to all intents wandering through a mythological place of thick forests, labryrinthian trails and yet aware of such advances as a compass and with the precognisance of god and his wars...wary of minefields! It don't gel so it ain't aspic. Where are we in time? You choose then stick with it. Onwards to the text.
I.

Born into a labyrinth long have I laboured in this quest called life, period. You have just written a sentence. End it.
Long have I languished with cautious steps through the minefields of deadly strife, How does one languish with steps? Nonsense but only because you did not think it through. You just wanted to rhyme with "life"
Creeping through twisting corridors of forests thick,
Much have I puzzled at this divine scheme of wit, What does this mean? I have no idea and the rhyme is dodgy, too
Which has placed me here lacking map and even compass, Way too wordy. Cut out the line start capitals. If you persist in this we may conclude the last poetry you read was 18th century only. Elitist idea then...now just pointlessly confusing. "Which has placed me here with no map or compass"; all other points notwithstanding.
Lost in footsteps yearning forever little solace. Gobbledygook. Lost in footsteps? footsteps yearning forever? yearning forever little (or any size) solace? What does this mean? I have no idea and the ryhme is dodgy, too. Cut and paste....has it come to this?

II.

Dazed, and nervous, hungry and frail,Dazed, nervous, hungry and frail.
What becomes of me should I fail? Rhetorical questions irritate the bugger out of most readers, don't you think? The rest of this "stanza" (I would scrap the stanza idea altogether. It is not helping to hold the piece together) is a rhyming verse victim. You do not NEED to rhyme....and if you do I don't want to have them thrust up my nasal cavity with a bloody great pulsing laser on top. Get out your metaphors and relinquish your rhyme....but not in this stanza. Scrap it. It says nothing and asks a lot.
To what depths shall I fall?
Till I meet the great wall?
That surrenders no souls beyond it's intangible wake, ...and that last comment is made more moot by this final line

Do I float forever down the deadly mythical lake?
Will Charon notice such a feeble soul as I? I would hope so or she's on a warning for dereliction of duty.
Or will weary limbs turn limp, convince me to die?
Am I to fall victim to one fatal mistake?
One moment, a sliver, not a person does make! Ditto. Sorry. You MUST think meaning, not medals...you get nowt for weak rhymes.

III.

And what if I succeed?
For must not all Kings bleed?
I do not know any of the script,
Power is not something I have gripped. Enough. i have said enough. Got to end if we are still talking

Must all champions be strong, must they be able and wise?
Surely even an Olympian dies, I dare surmise,
Those on top are lost too;
They simply stumbled and flew,
Onto hilltops and mountains, on the shoulders of Tyche,
Her judgement mirthless and icy, they know not what blights me;

My aimless descent into shadows dances in the back of my skull,
With each ensuing step I take, the risk that my mind may break, the hull,
Deteriorates with each passing day,
So if I may, suppose that even They,
Upon murky tops-- even Kings fail to see,
A clear landscape with foresight and liberty.

IV.

Yet I resemble no King,
I merely wander and sing,
Meek lyrics of one lost in the rushing waves,
In the ocean of time, the mother of graves,
She cares not for me.
Bitter destiny!

So now I sit and I listen,
As the grass here does glisten,
Under this oak tree, elder and wise,
To sunbeams burning, how he does rise.

I sit here in melancholy twiddling my thumbs,
Wading through all existence as time turns to crumbs.
Infinite thoughts stroll by at leisurely pace,
Strumming along, they insist that I would chase.
So here I have ceased my incessant travel,
Content with solitude I seek no angel.

Yet my meandering mind never does cease to adore,
The topics it seems so habitually to explore:
The science of uncertainty, unglamorous existence,
And the art of probability, which is resistance.

It is too long....too painfully contrived...too bleeding-heart poetic...too diffuse....too purposeless.
Find the meaning in it, write about it. You do not need to rhyme, especially in humpty-dumpty couplets. If you lucidly explain to me what this is all about in twelve crisp lines I shall ask you why you didn't do that in the first place.
You have made a start, I believe you enjoyed writing this. You are off the starting blocks. Dump all the weighty words, the excess baggage of the prattling poet....and write something clearly, pointedly and with a CENTRAL METAPHOR to carry you, and the reader, through the piece.
Well done for posting this. It is worth working on. There will be enough good advice coming your way to radically rewrite the piece. I wish you well.
Best,
tectak