A stranger less fortunate (edited)

[SomeRandom]

Just a quick reminder to our zealous critics that this is the Novice Forum -- do try to be a little less overwhelming / Admin

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SomeRandom -- you have enough to work with here without me adding to it, but let me just say thank you for your most excellent critiques around the site.

Quite right,too. Someone had to say it.
Best,
tectak

So... any thoughts on the shorter edited version? I tried to do 12 lines but ended up with 15. Would love more feedback!