08-05-2014, 12:21 PM
i love this:
Drops of rain stroke the window of
the empty bar; tables soiled
with stacked ancient hearts-
A first sip from their drink.
really nice imagery!
i stumbled a bit over
Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines.
maybe drop fair as it doesn't work well as an adjective here
and use something like drowned out rings of backroom slot machines or similar instead
and perhaps this is just me being dense, but what are left speakers? are you referring to stereo speakers here,
and if so, why only left? you make no mention of the right, that is why i ask. sorry if there is an obvious answer and i'm just not getting it, but i'm curious...
all in all i think this is on the right track and i like the musicality of your word choice. i just have those few hangups that need clarification.
Drops of rain stroke the window of
the empty bar; tables soiled
with stacked ancient hearts-
A first sip from their drink.
really nice imagery!
i stumbled a bit over
Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines.
maybe drop fair as it doesn't work well as an adjective here
and use something like drowned out rings of backroom slot machines or similar instead
and perhaps this is just me being dense, but what are left speakers? are you referring to stereo speakers here,
and if so, why only left? you make no mention of the right, that is why i ask. sorry if there is an obvious answer and i'm just not getting it, but i'm curious...
all in all i think this is on the right track and i like the musicality of your word choice. i just have those few hangups that need clarification.