08-05-2014, 01:14 PM
(08-04-2014, 03:51 AM)Alexearth Wrote: * I try here to set a mystical atmosphere. Some ambiguity is intended. Also I try to describe a certain musical tone (found for example here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcztJ4hLdNQ) but I'm having trouble. And not sure about "eerie". Please give me any suggestion or opinion
The vast exalted sky
blasting through the tight tainted houses and buildings. houses and buildings is redundant, imo. I think perhaps instead of such generic words, what about more descriptive words, "cottages, shacks, alleys, inns" ect?
Drops of rain stroke the window of
the empty bar; tables soiled
with stacked ancient hearts-
A first sip from their drink. I keep tripping over this line, trying to decide who their is
Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines. slot machine rings I don't feel can be described as "fair", they are typically loud and obnoxious
Left speakers whisper,
tempting the calm.
A barmaid stares-
Under the cadence,
slow and eerie,
something is changing. I like the build up of suspense here.
They eye each other for a moment
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