The vast exalted sky

[billy]

i've read the other pieces of feedback and feel a bit silly because i never got the poem, it was a struggle for me to suss it out.
wish i could have been more helpful

* I try here to set a mystical atmosphere. Some ambiguity is intended. Also I try to describe a certain musical tone (found for example here: but I'm having trouble. And not sure about "eerie". Please give me any suggestion or opinion



The vast exalted sky
blasting through the tight tainted houses and buildings. for me the first two lines are the opposite of eerie. while i like this line, it needs some kind of explanation as to how/why it's tainted


Drops of rain stroke the window of a bit wordy, a suggestion would be rain strokes the window
the empty bar; tables soiled i'd use a period above and start this one with a cap
with stacked ancient hearts-

A first sip from their drink.



Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines. i can't understand this line, it needs to make some sense,

Left speakers whisper,
tempting the calm.



A barmaid stares-

Under the cadence,
slow and eerie, so you're on about eerie here and not an eerie poem a suggestion would be;

Under the slow
eerie cadence,

something is changing.


They eye each other for a moment


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