A stranger less fortunate (edited)

[billy]

Hi somerandom;

well done in how you accept and give feedback, i read the original and see you had lots of feedback on it already, i'll just give feedback on the edit which has improved a lot from the original.

the poem, for me the caps take a lot away from the write simply because of the preceding punctuation. the poem is better than the edit , a fair bit better in fact, but it still feels a little bloated, mainly because the narration is putting to much into it, a comparison would be a chocolate cake in a bowl of sugar, you do have some good lines and some of the metaphors are excellent, the main problem for me was the 2nd stanza, i had trouble getting through it because it felt disjoint. all in all a great edit, still a bit to do but your attitude is perfect. well done.

Any and all help is appreciated; still very new to poetry.
Okay, I chopped most of it off and I think I'm in 2014 now:

---

Revised


I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable, roots wrap round ankles like pythons. while the latter part of the line is a good image, and the first part well narrated; together they feel too heavy i'd suggest splitting the line and add a small word to show they can wrap and that they aren't wrapping at the moment.

Timeless trees innumerable;
roots that wrap round ankles like pythons.

some really good assonance with the [T's] and roots/wrap


I crept through thickets drenched in darkness,
Unblinking, eyelids lacking purpose, for me it reads better without the comma after [unblinking] would lacked work better than lacking?
As time abandoned structure. this line works but i keep wanting to read something else before structure, a suggestion would be [all] or [the]

Suspicion grew like weeds unchecked,
Of my direction and purpose, this line needs more work
Immobilized in thought I found myself surrendered,
Under this wise old oak. i struggled with the continuity of the stanza

I sat meekly twiddling my thumbs,
Pondering the years, story and quest,
The uncertainty of existence,
And the futility of resistance.