Welcomed Rest

[ellajam]

Hi, Wil. I think you did a good job of telling the story here, I got the clear feel of the battlefield. For me, the subject and capitalized lines led me to expect some form that I couldn't find, some consistency in each four line section. If you're unfamiliar with forms you can find some explanations in the Practice Forum.

I've put a few notes below.

I love medieval history and this one came to me after reading a book about the vikings. Hope you like it.



WELCOMED REST

The warm Summer sun shines upon him,
Glinting off armor and sword,
The air stinking of sweat, excitement, and fear,
Yet calmness.
I don't get why summer is capitalized. You may be able to cut "warm summer" all together. Period after sword.

A lion’s roar and the body jumps,
Feet pounding the grass flat as he races,
Into the open jaws of death,
Silence except for the rhythmic beating of his heart.
No comma after races.

Carrion birds circle overhead,
Awaiting the pending feast,
Floating weightlessly on the gentle Summer breezes,
Lucky birds.
I enjoyed the vultures being ready.

An explosion of sound,
The brilliant flash of metal,
Swords singing their death knell,
The dance has begun.

Step left, swing right, block, thrust,
The music plays in his head,
His reflexes in time to the beat,
Feet staying sure in a field soaked with blood.

Breathing becomes ragged,
Chest heaving,
Sweat soaked eyes stinging,
His helmet is a cage.
Good last line here.

Stars during the day?
How unusual
The grass soft and cool on his back,
Silence falls like the headsmen’s axe.
You need better punctuation here.

A fierce battle,
A good death,
A smile,
Welcoming the darkness and final rest.

I'm not a poetry or punctuation expert but I hope these notes give you something to think about as you edit.

It needs some work, good luck with it.