Welcomed Rest

[billy]

hi wil.

you more or less got it right. the poem isn't a great or good poem, but fear not, it can as any poem can, be made into a good, and even sometimes a great one.

first off lose all the cliched phrases and lines. i pointed a few out but there are lots more, if you noticed a phrase before, it's probably a cliche. the idea is to think of a line or phrase and then change it to something original. something you have heard/read before.

I love medieval history and this one came to me after reading a book about the vikings. Hope you like it.

(the lions roar) where did it come from how did it sound who was making it? the same with other lines. make them as strong as the poem dictates, this is about vikings, make it so.

lines like;
Step left, swing right, block, thrust,
can always be improved if you use a metaphor or simile

Step left, swing right like a dancing wench
block as steel, thrust from the hips,
or
Step left, swing blade right
block with oaken shield, thrust through neck


not great i grant you but it' just a couple of quick examples




WELCOMED REST

The warm Summer sun shines upon him, very cliche and weak opening line
Glinting off armor and sword, again it feels weak, and if a viking a bit untrue, wasn't their armor usually covered up by a coat or something?
The air stinking of sweat, excitement, and fear,
Yet calmness.

A lion’s roar and the body jumps,
Feet pounding the grass flat as he races,
Into the open jaws of death,
Silence except for the rhythmic beating of his heart.

Carrion birds circle overhead, no need really for [overhead, ]
Awaiting the pending feast, awaiting and pending are pretty much the same.
Floating weightlessly on the gentle Summer breezes,
Lucky birds.

An explosion of sound,
The brilliant flash of metal,
Swords singing their death knell,
The dance has begun.

Step left, swing right, block, thrust,
The music plays in his head,
His reflexes in time to the beat,
Feet staying sure in a field soaked with blood.

Breathing becomes ragged,
Chest heaving,
Sweat soaked eyes stinging,
His helmet is a cage.

Stars during the day?
How unusual
The grass soft and cool on his back,
Silence falls like the headsmen’s axe. headman's

A fierce battle,
A good death,
A smile,
Welcoming the darkness and final rest.