Fat

[milo]

This is my friend's poem. She wanted a critique of it, but doesn't usually write poetry, so she didn't want to make an account.

Fat

They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss
But food has no more flavor
It has no joy, nor brings any happiness
I simply eat so that I can be rid of the burning
Hollowness that devours all things inside of me, I
Eat to escape the horrible darkness that rises up from
Deep inside and threatens to devour my entire self
No, it is not hunger, nor boredom, nor thirst,
It is the loneliness, and desertion, the
Alienation that this emptiness feeds
Upon, and it only grows larger
And larger, and so I eat more
And more, and others see
And they laugh, and they
Mock, and the emptiness
Feeds on the pain.

The poem is mostly terrible. It is like a teenage girl body-image campaign instead of a poem and reads very trite and cliche. Instead of giving specifics and imagery we get vague generalities and a ton of abstractions:

void, abyss, joy, happiness,hollowness, things, darkness, self, hunger, boredom, thirst, loneliness, desertion, alienation, emptiness, emptiness, pain - these are all abstractions and should be avoided or used sparingly in poetry, not piled high.

Tell your friend to eat a pack of Twinkies and find an original way to describe the creamy filling that doesn't involve sex.