I Notice

[danny_]

thank you:
Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd, makeshift, ellajam, billy

Revision 5b
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The chop gently claps
far out to hazed shores.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside.
You listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Revision 5a
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The choppy surface claps
far out to hazed shores.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner,
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside,
listening as you write,
watched by a faint moon.

Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.