I Notice

[Wjames]

little something i wrote this afternoon. feeling the end needs work. not sure about the title, either. welcoming full crit. slap it around some.


I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings "rock-sitting many evenings" is strange. I think "on rock-sitting evenings" would be better. "Many" is implied by evenings being plural.
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land Why do some lines begin with a capital and others not seemingly arbitrarily? Why is the whole poem one sentence (you only have one period at the end of the poem)? I think it would make sense for a period to be after lonely. All of this makes this stanza hard to read, and instead of searching for meaning in the words, I'm forced to insert my own punctuation into the poem, and then look for meaning.

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in perhaps "through" would be better than "in"; I'm also left to wonder "what whisper?"
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice I don't think "any particular" adds anything.

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs When I think of sea-towering cliffs, I tend to think of waves crashing into them, making a noise. You might be able to find a better image to represent silence.

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

Just my thoughts as I read the poem. I think you could come up with a better title, I'm generally not a fan of titles that are in the poem (even though I've written some poems that have them). I think a better title might be something like "You notice"; as it seems to me the poem is about the narrator noticing the way someone else takes-in the world around them. Of course my interpretation could be completely "wrong", and you should do what you feel is best for your own writing. I have no problem with the ending, by the way.