I Notice

[Todd]

Hi Danny, I've come late to this. The revision is an improvement. The longer lines feel less choppy, and the line breaks feel less arbitrary. Let me give you some comments on the latest revision:

welcoming full crit.

thank you: Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir

Revision 2
I Notice
Loose pen strokes roll like ocean waves--I see someone sketching or writing looking out at the ocean. I like the simile as it may imply cursive script or some calligraphy. I don't like "loose". If the image doesn't convey what you need, and the modifier is needed you have the wrong image. Possible, though I think you just have an unneeded modifier
on rock-sitting evenings.
A few dark clouds hang about,
lonely in the warm salmon sky.--This reminds me a bit of Wordsworth I wandered lonely as a cloud. In this case though, I don't feel that the first line leads to the lonely observation in the second line. Hang about or hang around in the earlier version feels a bit weak. The phrasing is nice in the lines, but it feels imprecise. Is there a way the image could imply dark clouds without having to tell us? Can the salmon sky be warm without telling us that its warm?
A choppy surface meets vague
and distant forms of land.--This feels like it's screaming out for an image. Not trying to rewrite and the illustration may not be good but hoping for clarity of what I mean: " A choppy surface meets a vague/paint smear of horizon(or land or water)...anything vague distant forms is well too vague

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper in the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice you,
quiet as the rolling seaside.

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

I think I'll hold back given more as this is Mild. That said, consider eliminated modifiers and working with the imagery more.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd