I Notice

[ellajam]

Hi, danny, nice edit. A few points below.

welcoming full crit.

thank you: Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd

Revision 4
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky. I think of coal as black, graphite is a possibility, gray and relating back to writing.
The chop gently claps
far out to hazed shores. I think you could find something more interesting than hazed.

Carried on the salty wind, Possibly saline instead of salty.
you are a whisper through the window screen;
the background to a candle-lit dinner I can't relate this line to the one above and below, and it's cliche. I think the poem would gain from losing it.
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside.
You listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.

Good work here.