I Notice

[billy]

good edits so far danny just a few nits for me, which can be used or not as you see fit.
the first line;

a suggestion would be to flesh it out in order to grip the reader just that little quicker. an example;

Pen strokes roll over pages
like waves across oceans

i actually have to say wow. i think you're doing an admirable job so far. i'd say one more edit and then leave it alone for a month or two.

thank you:
Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd, makeshift, ellajam

Revision 5
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The choppy surface claps
far out to hazed shores. would hazy work better, [just a question]

Carried on the salty wind, no need for [the]
you are a whisper through the window screen;
escaping as the last light does
from notice. not sure this works well enough to keep for me it weakens the read

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside, would a semi colon separate the clauses better?
listening as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.