I Notice

[Todd]

Hi danny,

To me, these comments are mostly just preference at this stage.

Don't be afraid to keep every edit that you do in the thread. Don't worry if it's long it shows evolution. Alternately, you could simply note below the current revision as footnotes what the major changes were. Just thoughts.

To the poem, I prefer the last revisions chop to choppy surface. Chop is a cool word. It conveys a lot with economy.

Faint moon I guess is fine though I doubt you need faint. There may be a better way to express faint if you choose to keep it (not through an adjective but some phrasing that either conveys distance or dimness.

Like I said though those are just style preferences. The poem may be "done"--as much as any of them are.

I think you've done a fine job evaluated the critiques and staying with your intent.

Best,

Todd

thank you:
Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd, makeshift, ellajam

Revision 5
I Notice

Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings,
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.
The choppy surface claps
far out to hazed shores.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;
escaping as the last light does
from notice.

But I notice
you, quiet as the grassy seaside,
listening as you write,
watched by a faint moon.


Original
I Notice
Loose pen strokes
roll like ocean waves
rock-sitting many evenings
Warm, salmon sky
Dark clouds hang around, lonely
A choppy surface meeting vague
and distant forms of land

Carried on the salty wind
you are that whisper in
the window screen;
the background to candle-lit dinners
escaping as the last light does
from any particular notice

But I notice
something vast and hidden in your eyes,
quiet as the sea-towering cliffs

Reflective,
anchored and steady
you listen as you write,
watched by the moon.