09-06-2014, 03:20 AM
The poem is concise, as someone else mentioned, and I like that. I would work on grammar/structuring. For example, she has written:
"They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss"
That reads as one long continuous thought, with only a second for breath between line breaks. I think the poem would be more impactful if she would add punctuation that causes the reader to pause.
Such as something like this:
"They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat. (period added)
I eat to fill the void, (comma added)
To level the abyss. (period added)"
She should read it out loud and mark where she takes breaths and pauses. Then, add punctuation.
"They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat
I eat to fill the void
To level the abyss"
That reads as one long continuous thought, with only a second for breath between line breaks. I think the poem would be more impactful if she would add punctuation that causes the reader to pause.
Such as something like this:
"They’ve called me Fat
Simply because I eat. (period added)
I eat to fill the void, (comma added)
To level the abyss. (period added)"
She should read it out loud and mark where she takes breaths and pauses. Then, add punctuation.